The Art of Difficult Conversations
Illustrated by Mackenzie Gervais
I have something to confess: I’m not too good at having difficult conversations. I never actually came out to my brother; I let my parents tell him and waited for him to approach me about it. When I was first truly struggling with my mental health, instead of reaching out to my friends for support, I would post disturbing and ominous pictures on my private Instagram page that only they followed, and wait for them to reach out to me. And the thing is, I’m not alone.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about techniques in social situations, about the way we use them to navigate conversation and interaction with other people, and particularly about the ways we struggle to discuss serious topics. To most of us, many social techniques are second nature. We introduce ourselves to someone like so, we inquire about certain shared topics like so. Although for certain people even these basic small interactions can be scary and confusing, for the most part, these are areas of familiarity in which our brains slide through techniques on autopilot. As I’ve found, the trouble arises when we need to have rarer, more tough conversations. How to come out to someone. How to tell someone they’ve hurt you. How to explain to someone that you’re suicidal. Repetition is what molds technique into its final form, and with the lack of experience comes the lack of knowledge of how to proceed.
When we think “technique”, we often think science, math, step-by-step instructions. A “technical” CEGEP program is thought to be one that will give you concrete skills to apply in the workforce. However, we know that technique means more than that. A technique is any form of how-to knowledge, and so it comes into play during every conversation and social interaction we have.
Nowadays, we have the internet, which makes things a little different. I once saw a meme that said “no matter what you’re going through, just remember there was someone on yahoo answers going through the exact same thing in 2011.” We can google “how to come out” or “how to break up with someone” a million times, but none of that research makes up the real thing. We won’t know which technique works for us until we’re in the process of trying to apply it ourselves. Human interaction is different from many scientific disciplines in that the variables will be different every time; every human being is different, and so are their reactions and responses to what you say.
If I can be so bold, I think that this process of social technique creation a big part of what living and the human experience is about: we find techniques to navigate the world and the people around us, and then we have new experiences and have to remake these techniques all over again. That’s the thing about a technique—it is a process that works, for a time, but inevitably someone will find a better or more thorough one. It is a continual process of learning and adapting to interact with the world and people around us, and the momentary comfort that for now, this works.
Comments
darcyburnett
January 27, 2020This article reminded me of my experience in difficult conversation. One year ago I got a job as a coach. I would be teaching classes of toddlers the basics of a variety of sports every weekend. It was great except I had never worked with kids. The difficult conversations here mostly revolve around children not wanting to kick a ball or run around cones, but parents expect a coach who can engage their kids and I want the kids to have fun. I quickly adapted, learning techniques on how to speak the language of a three year old. The same way that you say we learn how to navigate difficult conversations through experience, I learned to talk to children properly, and every weekend when I go to work there is a new problem, the unpredictable nature of human interaction gives way to opportunities to learn and implement a new techniques.
Callista
January 27, 2020I related to the author when they said “Lately, I’ve been thinking about techniques in social situations, about the way we use them to navigate conversation and interaction with other people, and particularly about the ways we struggle to discuss serious topics.” Speaking to another seems so easy. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, or even a stranger, it’s never easy to confess something personal to you. They’ve made me realize how it’s normal to feel vulnerable when talking about your feelings. It’s only with time and practice that I will be more comfortable with myself at the end of the day.
Isabela_r
January 27, 2020I like how you used relatable examples, such as googling “how to” stuff. It really brought a light example to something so serious and heavy as social anxiety. I also like how you used a personal story to introduce the issue. Putting the reader at ease on the subject, making it realize that everyone has harsh stories or difficulties and that it is completely okay to talk about it, breaking the stigma on social issues.
Stepahanie
January 27, 2020Honestly I totally understand how you feel. I have a difficult time to talk to people in general. It’s hard to bring yourself to say something very important and serious. Even I have a hard time to talk to people I’m not familiar with like employees in stores, customer service on the phone and strangers. There were times I ended up googling what to do when I’m in social situations. The best website is Wikihow jk. Sometimes I even lied to my parents that I “asked” the employee where to find the object in which aisle. But eventually, as I grow as an adult, I have to be more brave.
Melissa O
January 27, 2020This was a very interesting article to read because it made me realize that something we do with ease on an every day basis can also be extremely difficult. This article reminded me how hard it could be at times to say a certain thing or ask someone a certain question. It was also very relatable, I know that feeling inside when you feel like all your words are stuck and you can’t make up the courage to tell another person. This struggle we face makes me bottle up my thoughts and feelings inside but this piece of writing reminded me that sometimes we need to try new techniques! Come up with new ways to approach different, difficult situations. Sometimes it’s all about fresh starts. It was great !
Nicholas Styres
January 27, 2020This is a relatable article due to the fact that I have trouble talking to people as well. The way you come off on someone will obviously effect how the other person will perceive it. To finding the right words to say, how your tone is and definitely who your speaking to can affect your very being. Reminding me of a time where I couldn’t find the words I wanted to say to the person that I was into because of the way they were looking at me, it though me off so I came off as a goof.
Yana Chichova
January 27, 2020‘We won’t know which technique works for us until we’re in the process of trying to apply it ourselves. Human interaction is different from many scientific disciplines in that the variables will be different every time’. I had never really thought about the fact that, in the case of human experience|interaction, we have to experience whatever there is to experience in order to know if it works or not since no two situations can be exactly the same and depend on an amazing amount of circumstances. Because of all these circumstances, the outcomes are also multiplied and you never know what you’re gonna end up with. What I’m trying to say is that, looking at things that way, I definitely understand why one would be scared of conversations, them being something that we can never truly control and never really know what they could lead to.
maria_bocearov
January 27, 2020This text enlightened me on techniques in social situations especially difficult topics. We might get caught up in our busy lives and look at people from a point of view that is under informed and ignorant, seeing only one side of the story. We might belittle the difficulty some people can encounter in social interactions, in expressing their feelings and communicating they’re emotions and needs. Your writing opened up my eyes and enriched my outlook on the struggle some people go through in order to convey they’re taughts and how technique is everything.
Vanessa DiPietrantonio
January 27, 2020I think that you made many good points on people’s misconceptions on “technique” - how we typically think of skills that we can use at school or at work. We often overlook the struggles with social relationships even though many people feel this way. I think that your piece has impacted me so much because I relate to your social anxieties and your difficulties in uncomfortable social situations as well. I also thought that your piece was inspiring and motivating for people like me to conquer these anxieties and develop techniques to navigate our way through life to overcome these obstacles.
EmmaGrace Arcadi
January 27, 2020I can certainly relate to the author of this article due to the fact that I also had trouble talking to people and engaging in conversation in the past. When I first started high school, I was indirectly forced to talk to more and more people, but it was still kept to quite a minimum. It was only when I started college, that I was truly pushed to communicate and speak to people whom I didn’t know. Taking public transportation really pushed me and gave me the opportunity to learn communication techniques. In the end, I really admired this article because of how much I related to it. I really appreciated the way the author related techniques of social situations with their own life.
Jacob B
January 27, 2020I feel like each and everyone of us can relate to this article. seeking help is an incredibly hard thing to do. it exposes our weaknesses to others and makes us vulnerable to criticism we do not want to hear. the techniques we learn are indeed to be worked on. our communicating skills are techniques we continuously change and seek to improve. I really liked the example of searching up solutions on google. we all try to fix our problems using the internet but can never seem to find a remedy.
CCG
January 27, 2020I agree with the ‘ongoing’ aspect of technique in this reflection. As we get to know people better, we definitely do not interact with them the same way as when they were strangers. We grow more comfortable and it can become a bit easier to open up and discuss more difficult topics and situations with them. The technique we use to tackle these situations changes as relationships evolve. I also liked the reference to the fact that human interaction is not an exact science. This part of the reflection reminded me of how often I replay social interactions in my mind and imagine better outcomes had I responded differently.
cassandra costanza
January 29, 2020as humans we are constantly changing, adapting and learning new things. everyone experiences things differently which means that everyone has different techniques for dealing with things. I especially relate to this article because i’ve never been the type of person who opens up to people. Only now, in my 20 years of being alive, have i changed my way of thinking and realized that communication can help solve many problems. Although it isn’t always the easiest thing to do, having that weight lifted off your shoulders after doing so is remarkable.
Polina Stus
January 30, 2020What I liked about the article is how the author reveals the broad use of “technique.” Because the author talks about the story from his personal life, it makes me feel relatable to such a problem as having difficulties when to talk about something that makes you vulnerable. And the Yahoo example made the article even more relatable and helped me better understand the meaning of “technique” and how it could be used.
mikaela.andreadakis
February 3, 2020Conveying one’s feelings seems like a relatively easy task… until we have to do it. We somehow have to manage to take all these thoughts in our heads and feelings in our hearts, make some noises with our mouths and hope that the other person can understand the complexity that is our emotions. I really appreciated this piece because it made me feel less alone—it made me feel seen. It’s comforting to be reminded that when faced with difficult conversations, I’m not the only one that gets sweaty palms and the sudden urge to run away and start up a new life in a land where nobody knows me. But just like James, the author of this piece, explains, having the hard conversations, like any technique, must be repetitiously practiced in order for us to become more apt at sharing and connecting with others and the world around us.
lonleypeach
August 31, 2020Conversations, approaches and mundane actions are something that surely any other mentally ill, young adult has great trouble with. As readers the fear of socializing is felt even when never flat out stated.
The use of relatable antidotes such as coming out, break ups and troubling thoughts, the use of memes and the talk of the internet allows the piece to be brought down to a level where many can resonate with. The art of difficult conversations is the type of story that one may think about after saying something embarrassing or going through a pain that is believed no one else may be going through, however this story makes it very clear that it is not the case.. In an uncanny sort of way it is something that can bring us together, something we can talk about, something we do not have to be ashamed of and this story makes that very clear! Thank you for taking the time to share this.
Giuseppe Gualtieri
August 31, 2020The author is absolutely correct in stating that sometimes, conversations can be very difficult especially when on a touchy subject. And it could even be a simple sentence that you just need to get out of your system but like the author James Stewart brought up, there is no technique to it like math or science. There is no science or math when it comes to the heart. These are situations where you don’t know how the other person will react, or how you’ll react to their reaction, leaving you in a constant of overthinking. However it’s in conversations like these where honesty is an integral part in being left satisfied in the end. And not only honesty with others but with yourself. It could be, whether you are on the receiving or delivering end of these conversations, you might have to humble yourself or swallow your pride, or on the other side of the spectrum, simply be more confident. But what’s for certain is that being honest in these conversations is what makes ourselves and those around move forward and take the next step in overcoming these hurdles.
Megalodon
August 31, 2020Everyone has encountered a different set of people in their lives, and despite all the experiences we have gone through with those friends, relatives or mere acquaintances, we are still unable to grasp onto a formula that can fully guide us in a difficult conversation. The point James Stewart is making here is an unshakable truth. The techniques we use must keep adapting themselves to the reality of the people we are talking to. There is no such thing as a perfect technique. I found especially interesting the part where the author explains that the answers we can find online are only theoretical. I entirely agree with him that when it comes to interpersonal relationships, the unique way to truly know what to say in certain situations is to try some techniques for ourselves. I find it incredibly disturbing that nowadays, many rely on technology or Google to solve everything for them. We need to keep in mind that human interactions are a never-ending learning process that would take more than one life to master.
Dalia
September 1, 2020What stood out to me the most as I read James Stewart’s text was his use of the word technique. I’ve always hated having difficult conversations. Growing up, I tended to brush them off or banalize them so I didn’t have to talk about them when I was asked to. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to have a touchy conversation with someone, but like the author said, everyone is different, meaning that each reaction will also be different. There is no perfect technique. I also like how he shared a personal experience in the first paragraph, it allows us to relate more to his text and maybe a few people are now in the same position as he was in.
sabrinafilion
September 1, 2020In this text, the author confesses he has a hard time having deep and important conversations. He talks about wanting help but not knowing how to ask. This made me realize that we must facilitate dialog with our close ones. Either by simply asking them how they are doing and checking up on them or by making them feel comfortable and safe to talk about anything. In the end, there is no perfect way to tackle these difficult topics, there is no perfect technique. We must navigate communication to our best ability.
Mik Landi
September 1, 2020From the first paragraph, this piece resonated deeply with me. I personally spent years debating on what the best way to come out to my parents was. Despite knowing they were going to respond positively, a difficult conversation will always be a difficult conversation; and so I cried to the point where they thought I was about to announce I was pregnant. The mention of using social media posts to inform your friends about your well-being instead of directly telling them is another struggle I face. When encasing your struggle within a lighthearted joke, you feel as if your problems are acknowledged, but you don’t actually have to engage in the difficult conversation. It’s always about that first approach. How does one bring up a tough subject without ruining the entire interaction? Must we script exactly what we want to say before we let it roll off our tongues? This piece has said everything out loud that I have been struggling to say on my own.
erratums
September 2, 2020What really stood out to me as I read “The art of having difficult conversations” by James Stewart, was how what some people categorize as an easy, straight-forward conversation can be miles away from what another sees it as. This article made me reflect upon how much people hide from one another, and how much of a struggle opening up to people is for some. At a certain point in the work, James points to how much we have accessible at our fingertips online, and how many have been in a somewhat similar situations all over the world. “It is a continual process of learning and adapting to interact with the world and people around us[...].” Each of us deal with our surroundings in different ways, and things can be harder for some than it is for others. This piece was written in a very vulnerable fashion, and it’s work like this that would help someone feel less alone if they happened to be in a nerve wracking situation.
Elina
September 2, 2020When I started reading this, it made me think about things I have being consciously ignoring for a very longtime, knowing it wasn’t a good thing to ignore those problems but still postponing the trying to find a solution process, this text made me look at that problem in the eye and to accept to myself of that. That I might have problems communicating but also that I can work that out with trying, with exiting my comfort zone to go find something else. This text made me uncomfortable because of that, it made me face that thing inside I was ignoring, it made me really uncomfortable but I loved it, I loved how the author though of doing something I have being postponing, not only did it but made me do it with him. Thank you for that, a really good text.
Maxim Bernatchez
February 2, 2021While reading this text, I was able to identify with the feeling of interactions being confusing. I realized that I could relate to this because of the anxiety I have to deal with when in social situations. I was able to recognize that I am not the only one to who techniques don’t make me feel safer in a hard conversation. This text highlighted the fact that everyone reacts differently to situations and a certain technique will not work for every person. I appreciated when the author said, “Although for certain people even these basic small interactions can be scary and confusing” because it made me feel understood with what I deal with mentally when in unknown situations. I also agree that to become comfortable with harder conversations, it is necessary for most people to experience those and then find the tools that help them personally. I enjoyed reading this text and would love to hear more about the author’s thoughts on this subject.
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