Sciences Participating with Arts & Culture in Education

All Aboard

Two trains depart from the station.

Their destinations are unknown, undefined.

What I do know is where I’m boarding from: the outskirts of my life, where dissatisfaction meets desperation and calls for a trip out of here.

Whereas the train I board allows me to introspect on the reality I am living, the other locomotive holds captive the seemingly impossible future I have made up for myself out of my dreams and ambitions.

In a horrible twist of irony, I command no ticket for this latter train, so I can only follow it longingly with my eyes as it leaves the platform. I continue to do so until it becomes the sliver of hope that I’ve always known it to be.

I’m pulled away by the trembling motions of the caboose I find myself in, dazed by the nostalgic landscape of childhood memories I’m being reintroduced to. The scenery makes me realize how little recollection I have of my past, compared to the abundant visions of my future that cloud my eyes. 

*

I get up from my seat to explore the rest of the train, and immediately wish I hadn’t. The multiple compartments are only filled with reminders of projects I never completed, opportunities I never went after, dreams I never dared believe could one day come true. I wonder why I’ve held on to them all and haven’t let them go, instead granting them the power to weigh and slow me down.

I continue wandering around aimlessly, ashamed at how easy it is to get lost in the dark corners of my mind, increasing the possibility of an eventual derailment.

The divide between who I am and who I want to be is a narrow one. Yet I manage to make this thin space seem incredibly expansive.

I've been living in the shadow of who and what I want to be for far too long and refuse to live there any longer.

*

Over time, I’ve become immune to the torrent of toxic thoughts that drown my mind, yet this one lingers bitterly:

To collide with a vision of my future is one thing. To bring it to life is another.

What if I can’t? I’ve never believed myself strong enough, so why would this time be any different?

How tempting it is to bring the train to a standstill; to bring it to an abrupt halt, to render it idle and useless, a mere spectator of the ever-moving world surrounding it.

*

I realize that despite appearances, I am leading a life that is nowhere near what I want it to be, or what others intended it to be for me.

Dread settles in. Nothing is visible around me anymore - that is, until light floods the interior of the train, casting shadows in which I immediately find refuge. I can feel the unsteadiness of the train on its tracks, rattling me in every which way, reminding me that with no known destination, my itinerary will be blank.   

No one else is around to assist me, so instead of sitting here, immobile, lost and alone, I find myself shuffling through the cabins, up into the conductor’s booth.

This is the one place where I’ll be able to determine how to stop this train, or change its course - if I can find the courage to do so.

*

From my vantage point at the commands, it takes me no time at all to recognize what exactly is travelling full speed ahead towards me: the train I left at the station.

Since that send-off moment, I let myself believe that I would never cross its path again, subjugated therefore to lead a life in which everyone but myself controlled.

I will not cower and deviate once again from a track due to its unknown route. The thrill of the ride is in discovering the scenery it offers, the panorama and fields of promises and views we may have never known, had we not allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to the uncertainty up ahead.  

Onward I set my sights: down this track to the impending chaos I am headed toward, no longer sidetracked by the escape routes I perpetually opted for in the past, made accessible by fear, regret and anxiety – my sole travelling companions.

I step back from the control panel, careening towards the danger; the crash course is set.