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By Charlie Bondyra February 25, 2019


Illustrations by Lauren Spencer (top) and Antoine Vaudrin (bottom)


I was as cute as any little baby could possibly be

Beautiful big blue eyes and round squishy cheeks

The spitting image of my father,

A tiny new addition to a loving, christian, family




I wasn't the little Jonathan that they had prayed for and expected

Never mind, a baby girl was clearly what God had intended

My gender already predetermined, chosen, selected

Though female was a concept I firmly rejected






Scientists say, most kids know what their gender is at the age of 2 to 3,

And I too, at that age, figured out my gender identity

I was a he, a boy, male, not a she

but a boy, my mother said was something I would never get to be




Growing up I felt different from my female counterparts

Going into puberty I loathed my developing body parts

Desiring a deeper voice; hoping for these tumours on my chest to be erased Whereas girls my age wanted bigger breasts, wider curves and slender waists




I found out what the word transgender meant when I was only 12 years old

In that very moment everything made sense, I did not fit the cisgender mould

I was overjoyed, ecstatic; finally I could physically become a boy

but that was a dream I quickly learned, that religion would destroy




My happiness faded away, and doubt seeped into my mind

I knew that being trans was different, therefore not part of God’s design

No this isn't me I told myself, I rejected the idea entirely

“How could my parents ever love me?” if I was, trans, non-binary




When I was 14 years old, I came out to Karoline, my older sister

The only non-religious one in my family; my parents far stricter

She accepted me, thankfully, and since then countless others have too,

But my parents are still unaware; they haven't got the slightest clue




Every single day I feel so ashamed for hiding who I am

I’m like a wolf disguised in sheep’s skin, pretending to be a lamb

But in reality I am an impostor, a liar, a sinner, a parasite

Nothing but a dirty lesbian, dyke, hermaphrodite, transvestite


I am a let down; a disappointment, that will only infect you with my gay Unwanted by the church, an abomination; please stay away

Fearing to be disowned by my parents everyday; I am a defect

Too abnormal; something God himself would have to reject




Never going to succeed in life




Never going to be a man’s wife




Parent’s never going to agree




Mom should have aborted me






When I was 4 years old I used to pray every night,

that I’d wake up as a boy the very next day; my parents finding it alright

But now at 17 I no longer waste my time on silly prayers;

I’ve given up; I am done.

because I know now that mommy and daddy would rather bury their daughter 6 feet under

than to ever accept me as their son



About the illustrator

Lauren Spencer is a first year Illustration student.

Antoine Vaudrin is an aspiring artist in his first year in the Illustration program at Dawson College.


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